KB Speaks On Carrying the Mental Load

Hey Y’all!

I recently polled a group of married moms of multiple minors about who in their marriage bears the brunt of the mental load—them or their husbands—and  of no surprise to me at all, 100% of the women polled responded “mostly me”.  If you’re not familiar with the term “mental load”, a quick google search will clarify the concept, but at its most basic level it refers to the burden of responsibility for staying on top of all that goes into running an organization—in this case, a household.  The person bearing the mental load is the one who is expected to think about, remember, anticipate, prepare for, schedule or otherwise make sure all the things that the organization (household) needs are handled on time and efficiently.  The bearer of the mental load (BOTML) knows that important things will be forgotten unless they remember them, appointments will be missed unless they remember them, household items (cleaning supplies, toiletries etc) will run out unless they remember them, bedtimes will be ignored, important documents or supplies will be misplaced, deadlines will be missed… basically the household will fall into utter chaos unless the BOTML is on the job.  

The fact that 100% of the women polled reported being the BOTML was not shocking but expected.  I know the struggle of being a married mom with multiple minor children and trying to keep the proverbial boat afloat amidst all the other roles and responsibilities on my plate firsthand because I live it.  DAILY.  Role-strain among married moms juggling multiple responsibilities is real. And before anyone can get the wrong impression, this is not a man-bashing article.  I have a good man and I don’t miss an opportunity to brag on him.  I love him and can’t imagine my life (or my home) without him.  He contributes in invaluable ways.  He works hard.  He provides.  He comes home daily. He spends quality time with me and the kids.  He is a devoted husband and father.  Unlike many of the deadbeat men I hear far too many harrowing stories of, he’s overall a gem.  I am, no doubt, blessed beyond measure to do life alongside him.  Some may even say I lucked up.  I am grateful.  And still, the burden of being the BOTML is one I bear alone because let’s face it-- being a “good” man hasn’t translated to being a womb-man (aka the human with the womb)—which apparently is the prerequisite for this role.  There’s just something about having a womb that makes wombmen, I mean, women, innately more aware and attentive to all the minutia of daily life that flies right under the radar of their non-wombmen counterparts.

For a long time, I just thought this was happenstance. A mere function of personality or temperament or rearing or maturity, etc. But the more I talked to other wombmen, the more I realized that this is not unique to me and my husband.  Then I’d happen upon books like “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” or “Men Are Like Waffles—Women are Like Spaghetti”, and I’d have this phenomenon fleshed out in greater detail.  I actually went through a grieving process of sorts over the matter—all five stages of grief-denial, anger, bargaining, depression and [finally] acceptance.  I actually hung out in “anger” a lot longer than I care to admit, and it put a major strain on my marriage because as it turns out, I’m not a very pleasant person when I’m angry.  Go figure.  But somehow, I made my way to acceptance, and having come to this much more pleasant place, and making peace with the fact that my husband will simply NEVER proactively think about all the things I wish I could STOP thinking about, I decided to extend grace, let our strengths work to our advantage, and complement his weaknesses for the good of the team.  There’s one major tip I’d like to share with other BOTMLs traversing this path, .about how to make it to “acceptance”.

Acceptance for me was embracing the notion that as BOTML, I am the acting “Chief Operations Officer” (COO) of our fortune 500 home-based enterprise.  In real COO fashion, I accepted responsibility for making sure all the things that must get done would actually get done, abandoning my right to malice or resentment toward the other members of the enterprise for not stepping up to the task.  COO’s are the brain power of the company.  They are the rememberers, the reminderers, the foreseers, the planners, the strategists, the to-do-list scribes, the message-senders, the sticky-note writers, the project managers… but they are NOT the DOERS of all the things.  This was the biggest relief.  At least part of my resentment and anger came from the cognitive distortion that if I was the one thinking about all that needed to get done, then I was also responsible for doing them.  Correcting this flawed assumption was critical to my acceptance of the BOTML role.  I’m the brains.  Hubby (and kiddos under supervision) are the brawn.  I think.  They execute.  God even gave men extra muscles to fulfill their duty in this most esteemed role as “doers”!  Yep.  I use my brainpower to create the grocery list. He uses his brawn to do the shopping.  I use my brainpower to schedule doctor appointments, Parent/ Teacher conferences, Sports schedules.  Hubby uses his brawn to drop off, pick up, and serve as physical go-between.  I use my brainpower to remember the friends’ names and parents’ names and numbers, and which friends should be invited to the birthday parties, keep track of rsvps, etc. Hubby sets up for the party, roughhouses with the kids during the party, breaks down and cleans up after the party, etc.  The list goes on.  It’s a system that works.  The system keeps our household running smoothly and me out of the angry and resentful zone. The most important skill that BOTMLs must learn is the art of delegating expertly.  On the rare occasion that I get a side-eye from some naïve non-BOTML, disapproving my practice of delegating and managing, I simply return the sentiments with a look daring them to say a word because only BOTMLs can understand or respect this plight and only husbands married to BOTMLs truly understand the honor of being the brawn.  

The bottom line is this: Husbands are as smart and capable of leading a household as are wives, but for whatever reason—perhaps they don’t find the minutia important—they simply don’t seem to naturally think of all the minute details that women do.  They’re wise, however, in understanding that “he that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord”.  Perhaps this favor looks like someone who is naturally wired to tend to the complex details of family life. Regardless of the reason for the dynamic, a good marriage is like a well-choreographed dance.  The dance partners must not be in competition with each other. Each ones’ strengths complement the others’ weaknesses.  If women are naturally more adept at noticing the details, then men should support that strength by offsetting the burden of the potential stress it could cause by willingly offering their brawn in service of what her brain has brought attention to.  Then and only then can the couple dance in concert, never missing a beat or stepping on each other’s toes

Let’s keep the conversation going.  Connect with KB Speaks on Facebook or Youtube. If you or someone you know have faith, family or mental health related questions that you’d like to have featured in a future edition of Hey Y’ALL!, please forward them to KBSpeaksOn@gmail.com.

YOU ARE LOVED LADY!