KB Speaks on Relationships
Hey Y’all!
I remember being invited to join a women’s group at church in the first year of marriage and can vividly recall thinking “Not interested! I got my man and he’s all I need!” Still, I reluctantly joined—more out of pressure than anything—and was actually quite pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed chatting with likeminded women about life and love and dreams and faith and finances and all the stuff in between. But if I can be honest, I still preferred to be at home with my husband. In fact, I believed life was about my new role as his wife… real life had STARTED the day I said “I do”. And because of this, I never really invested much more than my scheduled bi-weekly meetings with the ladies because in my mind I was fitting them into a life already in progress. All of my “free” time was reserved for my husband.
Yeah… I’m ashamed to say, I was THAT wife. But my husband wasn’t THAT husband. He, unlike me, relished his free time—ALONE! He enjoyed getting out and away from home WITHOUT ME! Whether meeting up with friends for some pick-up basketball or meeting one at a sports bar to watch the game, to my dismay he liked being away from me at least every once in a while. And when he’d leave me, I’d actually count the hours he was away, despising every second. I’d do my best to occupy myself with whatever I could muster up to take my mind off of him being gone. I was rather pathetic, I admit, but I had bought into the idea that a married mom’s life was entirely about her husband and children. By the time our first child was born, followed by a second and a third, I was completely consumed by my domestic identity. My little family was essentially my entire world. Nevermind the fact that my husband was feeling increasingly smothered by my expectation that he make us his entire world too, in my mind this was what happily ever after looked like. And this lasted for the better part of 6 years before he’d had enough and practically MADE me lighten up on the smothering. I relented and reluctantly gave him more space, but I still didn’t change much about my own perspective. And then the pandemic hit.
“My world had been built around four people with occasional [and necessary] contact with outsiders here and there, and I was hit with the hard reality that something was missing. Friends!”
The pandemic disrupted every aspect of the normalcy I’d known and grown accustomed to. The same little people I’d practically worshipped (oh the blasphemy of it all) began to occupy what felt like TOO MUCH space in my life. We were literally together under one roof from sun-up to sun-up (yes, you read that right) and I was, for the first time, the one feeling suffocated. I watched my hubby join happy hour zoom calls with colleagues and thought “where are my coworker friends?” But I knew the answer. My world had been built around four people with occasional [and necessary] contact with outsiders here and there, and I was hit with the hard reality that something was missing. Friends! I wanted a life that included friends. And not the “check in once in a blue moon” kind but real friends. People to get together with. Women I could call up for a ladies’ night or shopping spree or pajama party or girls trip… like, friends to do stuff away from home with. Companions. Besties. BFFs. But I hadn’t prioritized friends in my lifestyle, so my friendships weren’t exactly vibrant and thriving. Now don’t get me wrong. There’s absolutely nothing cute about a 40+ year old married mom of minor children suddenly seeking a hot girl summer. But there’s absolutely something desirable about a balanced woman with a full life that includes devotion to her husband and children AND fun and sisterhood with close female friends. Particularly, like-minded female friends. Perhaps even similarly situated (married with children) female friends.
Women are by nature [and nurture] social beings. We thrive in interpersonal relationships and are most fulfilled in the context of community. But getting the RIGHT folks into your friend circle is no easy feat. Women can be messy and catty and judgmental… mean girls all grown up, and that’s probably why even the thought of trying to embark on a quest to make new girlfriends was met with visceral anxiety. As much as I longed for girlfriends, I also wondered “Will I fit in?” “Am I too old-fashioned… out of touch…preoccupied? Am I fun enough, stylish enough, hip enough? Do people even say ‘hip’ anymore?” As a pretty self-titled church girl with very traditional Judeo-Christian values, I’ve never been the person you simply HAD have at the party. In all actuality, I’m the one who will talk too much… and probably about something deep, or controversial, or non-party-conversation appropriate. I’m likely the one thinking about my responsibilities or tomorrow’s to-do list. I agonized over the discrepancy between what I wanted and what I felt capable of obtaining.
But in 2022, I vowed to be “Intentional”. And I’ve been keeping that resolution, creating my to-do lists and checking things off. Intentionally. And guess what. “Make girlfriends” is now on the list., so yes, I accept your invitation to happy hour. And yes, I’d like to join your woman’s groups. And yes I will host the work social…attend the women’s retreat.. join the book club and participate in whatever else I am invited to because I got friend goals and I’m being intentional about achieving them.
Making friends after years of being preoccupied with my domestic roles may come with challenges but perhaps anything worth having will. So, here’s to a year of making connections and being intentional! Here’s to new friends and a new, more balanced me!
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YOU ARE LOVED LADY!