KB Speaks On Positive Parenting
Hey Y’all! A friend recently found out in conversation with me that I endorse the positive parenting model of childrearing and discipline. She was immediately intrigued and admittedly struggling to find a method that would work with her two preschoolers—ages 3 and 4. She said: “After our daughter was born, J said to me ‘I don’t want to spank’ and I said [in utter shock and confusion] ‘then what are we gonna do?!” She was genuinely perplexed as to how parenting could be done without corporal punishment at some point. She, like many, had been raised in the traditional manner that endorses the notion of “spare the rod, spoil the child”. But as we know better, we can and MUST do better! Perhaps “the rod” is a figure of speech for “correction” or “discipline”. If this is the case, then a child can indeed receive the “rod” without ever receiving a spanking! Here’s where positive parenting comes in.
Positive Parenting is an authoritative approach to parenting in which the parent focuses on the right behaviors in their children, modeling, encouraging, and reinforcing such behaviors, versus highlighting/ fixating on the wrong behaviors through shaming tactics and harsh punishment. Research suggests that:
#1 Authoritative parenting has negative effects on children’s development while authoritarian parenting tends to be more constructive;
#2 Punishment is the least effective form of behavior modification; and
#3 Spanking has negative short- and long-term consequences on children
Unfortunately, research also shows that the overwhelming majority of parents in the United States endorse the use of corporal punishment in childrearing and a handful of states actually still allow its use in schools. The widespread acceptance of it as an integral component of discipline and rearing makes the advocacy for alternative methods unpopular. The case for a better way is apparent in the positive parenting model. Simply stated, positive parenting is grounded in the notion that children are people and parent’s job is to prepare them for positive and productive existence in the real world. In the real world, people make mistakes. In doing so, they are held accountable for those mistakes. When a child errs, according to a positive parenting framework, they should be lovingly redirected and responded to in ways that neither minimize or catastrophize said misbehavior. In this sense, children should be taught to have awareness and insight into the fact that their behavior—good or bad—has natural consequences. For example, saying mean things to a sibling or friend hurts their feelings. Throwing objects can damage or break them or cause harm or injury. Unnatural consequences imposed by another (authority figure or parent) should therefore be thoughtful and impactful in increasing this awareness and not mindless, reflexive punishment imposed out of frustration or anger.
I like to say “the root word of discipline is disciple”. Disciples willingly follow the leading of another. The question is, who or what is worthy of being followed? A parent who consistently models mental and emotional health and stability and doesn’t fly off the handle in a neurotic frenzy when upset or annoyed is a worthy example to be followed. Such a parent can lead a child to also handle their thoughts and emotions responsibly. Such a parent, by assertively communicating societal rules, norms and expectations can hold children responsible for such rules, norms and expectations while not dismissing the child’s uniqueness, natural curiosity, risk taking behavior and right to respectfully challenge rules and norms they don’t understand or agree with. The child of this parent is more likely to be a critical thinker, risk takers and morally conscious individual as opposed to merely obedient.
Positive parenting looks like unconditional love and positive regard (always assuming the best), constructive feedback, open and honest communication, and well thought out consequences [that don’t demean the child or kill their spirit but lead to a sense of conviction and remorse—“My behavior was bad” versus “I am bad”]. Positive parents have faith that if the right stuff is poured into the child, then the right stuff will come out. Yes, age-appropriate consequences can be applied in accordance with the positive parenting model--time-out, loss of privileges, restitution, etc—but the purpose of consequences from a positive parenting perspective is to prompt insight and accountability, remorse and restoration--not mere shame and regret. In closing, positive parenting is a more healthy, constructive, and effective form of discipline that produces well-mannered, pro-social human beings who make responsible decisions as a product of their personal insight and convictions aligned with being good and decent humans as instilled in them by their good and decent parent models.
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YOU ARE LOVED LADY!